


amare et sapere vix deo conceditur (even for a god is hard to love and be wise at the same time)

by CEO_of_TOES



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, But also, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Multi, Mutual Pining, follows near after the end of the series trough the eyes of primus, i will update as i write, mello comes back as a shinigami, self doubts, those are the most relevant tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 20,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26462305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CEO_of_TOES/pseuds/CEO_of_TOES
Summary: Have you ever wondered how shinigamis are born? What creates them?Well Primus was once a blonde with a fierce personality that wished a second chance so much that he actually got it. Now he roams around earth hoping to understand his sense of having a missing piece.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light, Linda & Near | Nate River, Mello | Mihael Keehl/Near | Nate River
Comments: 30
Kudos: 34





	1. NOTHING

Whatever he might have expected this..wasn’t it. There wasn’t anything, by anything meant anything, not even darkness, it was just nothing.

Nothing all around him, drowning all that was or could have been. 

He didn’t even feel sadness, he just felt nothing. (that really suited his surroundings, he would have laughed at the thought, if he wouldn’t have been.. you know…technically dead)

Once he was Mello, but now, what was he?  
What was he even now? Was he a he? Was he anything at all? Most likely he was the same as his surroundings, and that meant that he was nothing, but was he actually something? To think made him real, right? (but what did it mean to be real)  
Last thing that he knew was that he was burning, the church started burning while Takada sat in the back of the track. She must have written his name and killed him.. so now he was in nothingness, absolute one.  
Maybe he deserved it .. he had been a bad person. He had killed so many people in hoping of getting to the top of all.

He wasn’t always the mean and hateful man that he became before dying , once he was loved by his family, he was just a boy that really loved the park and the swings in particular. Those were so cool and he felt like he could reach the sky, reach something better than what he was as a little boy.

The little boy could have never expected to become the beast that he became. He was so hateful, he pretended that becoming L would make him back into the blonde boy that his mother would bring to the swings. His mother was so nice and caring.. what did she do to deserve a son like him. He was also a very polite child with a constant smile on his face, now he was nothing. 

Those thoughts made him sad, which were real and which weren’t ? There was no use in getting sad about this when he was in the void, in the eternal nothing, but he couldn’t do anything other than reflect on the life he had before.  
Why was he so sure that those were his and not somebody’s else memories? Maybe he was seeing the childhood of someone else, maybe he was born with the snarl on his features, maybe he was never born and those memories were created to give him a sense of longing for something he never had but he still could wish for, maybe these were Linda’s memories to punish him for the things that he never got, and now being dead he could never achieve ever.

But who was Linda and had she ever been real? In his memories she was this girl who loved drawing. She was the one that gave to Kira the sketches of their faces, she shouldn’t have done that ,but it was very unlikely that she realised the dangers she was putting the other two orphans, he held no anger towards her. He somewhat regretted the fact that maybe if he had stopped being such a stuck up brat while alive the girl could have become his friend, maybe she would have helped in the Kira case and everything would have been better.  
He didn’t know how he looked but he wasn’t a girl with pigtails, so the memories that played in his head were his or maybe they belonged to someone else. Those weren’t Linda’s memories, maybe they were L’s?

L was his mentor, he aspired to be like him, even if they met just one time it was enough for him. He was somewhat disappointed with how bland he looked ,he was extremely rich but couldn’t afford to wear something stylish? L didn’t need to wear an all leather like him, but still a pair of shoes could have made him look better.  
The child memories most likely didn’t belong to his mentor neither, he didn’t look like he cared so much about his identity that he would dye his hair black and from the rumors about him at Whammy’s house he never knew his parents, so those weren’t L’s memories.

Could BB be a possible candidate ? He would get along with him and he would understand his sense of never being enough. They chatted and in general they developed a brotherly relationship. They spent a lot of time together before he.. he went mad. Did he do the same and this nothingness that he felt was the madness?  
BB also wasn’t the one blonde child in his memories, he was too old and he had a Shinigami dad, not a regular family like him and Matt.

Speaking of Matt he was a possible candidate. While alive and at the orphanage they would often hang out, so it would make sense that he would have his memories as a way to punish him for what the life he destroyed.  
The red head was most likely dead , he knew that he was getting into ,but maybe he should have stopped him from getting so interested in this suicide plan, kidnapping Takada was a death plan, they knew it from the start, but it was for a greater good. (but being for a greater good didn’t change the fact that he had killed so many)

He may not remember how he looked when he wasn’t in the nothingness, but those were his memories.   
The punishment worse than knowing the evil he was responsible for and the evil he caused into the life of people who were his friends or could have been was forgetting everything about who he was, he had no way of knowing if he really was the cause to so all those problems. He was nothing, he deserved it.

Maybe if he had a second chance he could change things, for the better.

He could befriend Linda, the girl that tired so hard at being friendly with everyone.  
He could mourn L ,like he deserved as a mentor.  
He would keep BB’s story alive .  
He would apologise to Matt, in the end if he just cooperated with Near all of this wouldn’t have ended the way they did…. Near… how was him?  
If he could just have a second chance he wouldn’t waste it.

A lot of time passed ,at the same time not even a second went by.

He kept obsessing over the possibility of being better, of getting a second chance…

Wait what second chance did he get? He had always been a Shinigami, why would a god need a second chance? For what ?It was another one of these dumb flashbacks to a time of nothingness? Well it didn’t matter what did the weird dreams meant or symbolised he was a god of dead and his only interest was following human around, they were funnier than those shinigamis that only shit talked about one of the other…. What was his name? Yes Ryuk, the one that caused so many deaths out of boredom. 

Primus really was interested in the human world and maybe he was going to understand his weird dreams by following someone interesting.


	2. SOMEONE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Primus liked the human realm.

The shinigami realm was no fun. He was getting pretty bored ,his companions might have been gods of death but they were so incredibly annoying ,no one amused him as the human realm and all of his little quirks.

Snowmageddon was an interesting happening. All that snow in one week? Extremely funny. Forty inches of snow that caused so much havoc ,nature using its finest power. Very interesting was the human reactions to all that happening, they weren’t absolutely prepared but they didn’t stop, nothing changed, nobody remembered. 

He often wondered why he had no memory of something funnier happening before that date ? Primus was not sure how his memory worked and he wasn’t going to ask one of those snarky bastards that didn’t appreciate the pure chaos that Ryuk was creating. Maybe the Shinigami king could answer his questions about memories, he knew that he had always been a god, he was Primus after all, a merciless god of death that isn’t worse than anyone. (but how was he so sure that he had always been that ?)

In the April of the same year an offshore oil platform exploded killing eleven people. He knew that soon no one was going to remember those things, humans were all the same …boring and forgetful. People died ,but that didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. All is useless when you have such a short life span. Those numbers that danced across people head ,showing the name and their days left was just a reminder of their pitiful existence. They were nothing to him, no one cared about dead people and one day they were going to be dead as well. (he didn’t care about that, men are all equal in the eyes of a god)

One of those days he had time to meet Ryuk, after he had a discussion with one of the other shinigamis, the weird one that had appeared just a few days before. He didn’t look that interesting but he had a tie around his skull and some googles. Those googles looked ridiculous, but for once he didn’t see that ugly trivial object as weird, it almost reminded him of something else, what exactly he didn’t know. Most likely he had seen the weird glasses on one of the dumb humans.

“Ryuk… how is a shinigami born? Are we even born from something?” asked the Primus, god of death with a burnt wing, maybe if it hadn't been burnt it could have been angel like.  
“Hahah… so many questions today… I will tell you when you will understand” answered Ryuk with a smirk in his voice.

Primus didn’t really care, he would know one day. In the end it wasn’t even a useful information, no need to make a fuss about something so trivial. (he also didn’t want to admit that he lost)

This weird guy… Mark Zuckeberg was voted as person of the year. Why? He created facebook, a dumb site and he was getting so much recognition. As much as Primus was a shingami the weird tech guy looked very weird. If there were gods of death maybe there were also gods of … strange face proportions? He didn’t know and didn’t care to know, he was trying to find the most interesting human to follow around.  
Why did he want this so strongly wasn’t yet clear, but nothing was clear.

In may the guy that caused the fall of the Twin Towers was killed, would he become a Shinigami ? It was an interesting thought, he had no idea how creatures like him would be born, he had no explanation.  
(he waited a month and so much more but no new Shinigami apperead)

He would also ignore those strange dreams he had of this blonde guy and a big house with the weird white kid. (he tried to forget how Shinigami didn’t dream)

After Ryuk killed Kira, Light Yagami , there wasn’t anything that fun . Kira was such a weirdo, he killed criminals, but he was in no way superior to any of them. Just a dirty criminal with a God Complex, as if he was in any way superior. Misa Amane had a more interesting character, while Light was a boring guy with a homicide fetish “Misa Misa” was in no way dumb, she was just a fool in love. (had Primus ever been in the same condition? Loving someone to the point of giving up everything for him? He doubted it, he was superior to those concepts of ‘love’)

May 25 was a sad date, that show ended. After five seasons and five thousands episodes it ended. All things had an end , but it was hard realising that nothing last forever, but it is better this way he supposed.

( the ‘dreams’ persisted ,the blonde boy just couldn’t accept the other one? Couldn’t they just get along for whatever purpose ?)

The United States of America stop their operations in Kuwait, hopefully for long.  
Primus wonders what would happen if he killed the president… utter chaos, that is what Shinigamis like right?

In Chile there is this mining incident, but after 69 days underground the miners are saved .The human brain could do so much without the feeling of hate that separed them, but he couldn’t do anything but watch the word decay.

The original Kira, Light had a very regular and boring life, yet he ended like that. He ended being a monster.

In December homosexuals could finally serve in the military, Primus hated the military but he also hated discrimination. Maybe he once was a boy in love with another boy, but that couldn't be he had always been a god .(or he thought so)

2010 ended.

Towards the end of the month of January he felt very called towards the detective that solved the case, L. He was at a cemetery ,in front of a grave. He looked so cold, but he felt his sadness ,almost shared it. L was the best detective, crying on a grave,

Primus finally found someone interesting enough to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the events written are real, but not all happen in 2010.


	3. ANOTHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years pass but wounds don't heal.

One year had passed from the fateful day when Matt and Mello died. 

He had caused all of this, maybe if he tried harder to work along with Mello things could have ended up differently… or even better. Sometimes Near would think that it wasn’t his fault, he tried to work with number two, but he didn’t seem to care about the thought of working together. (still he knew that it was his fault, and his only)

(if he had been the one to die...)

Mello’s and Matt’s death had been exceptionally hard for him. Children without a past working towards the same goal…. Catching Kira and avenging L, but at what cost. Now the only people that ever even knew about their existence were Near and maybe two other workers that read the files for the dead boys, without even caring about them. Two people that could have been so much more.. that deserved so much more than that, yet now they were buried in a shallow grave, like that could ever change all the happiness they deserved.

Strangely Near felt watched upon, while no one was here, most likely it wasn’t related to the cameras, he never had that sensation from them. It was a strange feeling, but that was all that it was… a feeling? Even in the unkept land he felt this way. There was no one in the field where the boys were buried . Even while being L the only burial place that wouldn’t attract too much attention to the graves of the second and third was a random field. To get to the side of the road where the team was waiting for their boss N he had to walk for a good fifteen minutes. Near had problem standing up to much but he would walk all that distance and kneel in front of those graves and silently cry for as long as he needed. It was almost a year from the last time he had been there.

Mello and Mart died on the 26 of January, but to get their corpses he had to wait another two days. For those two days Near was sure that they weren’t dead, that they had a plan, that they were going to show up to the SPK tower, but when he saw the corpse there were no more doubts, they were genuinely ,actually and obliviously dead. There was no way to change the truth, he just had to wait for his moment, the moment where he could join them.  
If he just had a second chance… 

But there was no point in crying, he had to live on and remember them, to make their lives matter and their deaths never forgotten.

Near didn’t know how long had he been crying, but the sky was changing color, it was time to head back while ignoring the feeling of being watched.   
(Primus couldn’t be happier about his new interesting human, with cold eyes but wet cheecks for some random, dumb corpses)

Life went on for Near, nothing special .(but Primus was so intrigued by the way the new L acted, he looked bored by everything but still cared about everything)

The new L really disliked working with the mafia, everytime anyone for a case would describe a blonde haired, most likely twink, his façade of seriousness would break down and for a moment the best detective was just a small adult that didn’t have a nice upbringing. (all thanks to the description of some strange man)

Primus wouldn’t follow him constantly, there were months were he just observed different happening in the world. There was so much wrong, but he couldn’t do anything about it. (Primus tried to forget all those dreams he had with the scared face,but shinigamis didn’t dream, so what were does?)

So many people admired Kira, they just couldn’t see that that Yagami boy was just interested in being a god, but the only god here were the spirits of death. If only Ryuk hadn’t been bored Light would have now been a regular adult, maybe the Takada girl could have been his girlfriend or something alike. He was no god and could have never been.  
(still Primus would often ask himself about what did Light become after his death, but that question wasn’t as interesting as the albino detective and his toys)

The detective may have been so smart and wise but sometimes Primus would change the placement of his gummies vitamins so he would actually take them. Those were the only foods that he seemed to eat other than chocolate. He was the number one detective in the world, but didn’t know how to care for himself. (maybe he just din't want to)

Near continued to feel watched, and sometimes he would wonder how did the vitamins move, but maybe if he slept he could stop having those sensation .(it was just a sensation ..right?)

So this way a year passed, and like the last 26 of January the new L was yet again in front of the graves with so many pink roses. The flowers symbolised admiration and longing .(Primus didn’t bored triyng to understand how he knew that ,he just did)

Yet again the detective was crying and muttering to himself .He prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that Mello could hear him so he could send a sign.. or anything, anything that could make L feel less lonely. The usually trickster god of death made a leaf fall exactly in front of the detective, but N just felt dumber. Mello and Matt were now corpses that weren’t going to come back, no random sign from the sky could have changed their dead souls.  
(For whatever reason Primus felt very sad at that.)

When he would go back to the Shinigami realm nothing big would happen.  
The shinagami with the red tie on his head always stood out in those rare times where Primus would come back. Once they had a conversation, brief but still a conversation.  
“Primus tell me.. have you understood what creates a Shinigami?”  
”We just start existing, why are you even asking me?”  
The shinigami with the read tie looked dissapointed.

The god of death realised that his hair had grown, a lot of time had passed, the days would just blur out.  
He still followed around the sad detective and made him take his gummies, for a lot of years that was.  
Every year the detective would kneel in front of the graves and cry. Near even started feeling comfort in that sensation of being almost constantly watched.   
He still didn’t like interacting with the mafia, that didn’t change for as long as time could be.

The year was now 2020, ten years after the death of number two and three. N was yet again kneeling and crying, but a strong sound was heard from behind, something falling. Upon closer inspections it was a death note. The detective considered his possibilities, but decided in the end that touching it was not going to hurt anyone.

So he finally understood why he had often felt watched, a Shinigami stood in front of him.

“Hello L.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started school last week, sadly i must add. Still i hope you will enjoy what i write!  
>  my tumblr


	4. EACH OTHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Near becomes aware of the god of death that had been following him around.

“Hello god of death. Pleased to meet you. What brings you here?” The surprise that first adorned his face morphed into his usual bored look, but Primus knew that it was just a façade, he was most likely genuinely surprised and interested in understanding the creature in front of him.

“I am Primus, my intent is just having fun over this dumb world. I have been following you for some time. You are very interesting. The real reason why I follow you is that the Shinigami realm isn’t very interesting, while you are a very unique creature. I first saw you nine years ago in the same place, i belive, every year you come here and cry for the death of some random guys. Seeing you cry is way better than all that random thing that the other gods have. They are truly boring.” Answered the Shinigami with a voice that traded no emotion. Primus followed the small guy around just for fun, or at least he belived so.  
The detective also put up a serious face, but the god knew that it was a façade, he spent too much with him.

“Are you going to follow me around ?Oh and can you tell hi to Ryuk, we haven’t seen each other for thankfully far too much.”   
The Shinigami just flew away.

How did the detective know Ryuk? Even after nine years he still didn’t understand the events related to the original Kira. He knew that a lot of people died ,both criminals and detectives, but how did the event unfold wasn’t entirely clear. Also why did he drop the Death Note? There was no use other than getting noticed by the detective. It didn’t matter, L was interesting enough that there was no need to try to reflect on what bought Primus to him. (or at least he assumed that it was pure fate and nothing more)

“Ryuk.. how did Near catch Kira? No one seems to hold this information other than his team and him. I am asking this out of boredom, no further motive.” Primus realised that while speaking about the Kira case his tone would sometimes trade emotion, but it was just an impression or a sensation like those dreams, right?  
”Took you long to ask this… it is quiet the tale. I once decided to send the death note on earth to a random smart teen and he decided that he was going to become a god, purely because he felt like one. Pitiful. L, the original one ,the one that looked like a frog, was killed by Amane’s Shinigami Rem and then fi-“ Ryuk was interrupted by Primus ”Who is this Rem ?Where can I find her so she could give me a detailed response? One better than yours”  
At that Ryuk laughed and answered “Rem died, killing a human to extend the life of another is the only way to kill a Shinigami. She is long dead, the death note that you found belonged to her. Hope you won’t repeat her foolish mistake.”  
The tales kept getting told, but Primus kept thinking about the death note that he gave to Near, it was a death note that killed Rem, thankfully he wasn’t that stupid as to give up his life for the curious detective, he won't fall for the same tricks.

He decided to head back to Near, what was he up to ?Most likely some case while being sprawled across the floor while playing with those dumb toys. He was so smart but he still needed those ridicoulous puppets to ‘concentrate’, it was almost endearing.  
“Near I am back “ stated calmly the Shinigami .The detective didn’t even look up, there was no need to .  
“Hello Primus, did you see anything interesting ?Do you want to report something?”answered the detective, again without even looking at him. Primus was a god but Near just didn't care.  
“I just want to be with you” those words came from the shinigami’s mouth in an unextected manner . It was actually true, but at the same time those words felt sacreed.  
Primus said that just because he wanted to mess with the detective.  
Even Near looked surprised, but his cold demeanor was right back on.

“L… who are you speaking to ?” asked a curious and a bit worried Gevanni.  
“Oh.. there is a Shinigami .” said N as he was taking the death note out of his shirt and showing it to his coworkers. His team touched the book and looked surprised at the god of death.  
He had long blond hair and his skeleton was burnt in some places, he also had two wings, yet again one was burnt, like a fallen angel.   
“I appreciate your care for me but this shows that I am not having psychosis, I was actually being followed. I believe I can renounce to therapist appointments and I can actually focus on being L full time”   
“But L… maybe it would help you live your life like a normal adult if you elaborated you traum-“  
“Enough! Too many people died so I could be this role, I am not going to disappoint them.” Were the words pronunced by the detective, with so much emotion that Primus wondered if he heard right.  
Primus really did make the right choice to follow this young man, the situation was getting very interesting. (he also tried to pretend that he didn’t care about the presence and well being of the detective, he made a mistake when he said that he wanted to spend time with him)

That night Near didn’t forget to take his medications.

That same night the boy with white hair hasd a strange dream. He was in an enormous field, running and running ,getting breathless and stressed out. He hadn’t run in so long, it was a foreign feeling almost. He was running after something or someone ,he really needed to get to them. At one point he stopped his mad run and behind him stood Mello .All this time he was running in the wrong direction.

He didn’t care anymore for the meaning of dreams and the way Mello face morphed into Primus one was a mistake, probably he was just too tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started school but i hopefully will keep writing and updating this fanfictions. I must say from all of the works that i am writing this is my favourite. Hope you will also enjoy this!


	5. ANYTHING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why did Near wish so much to be L?

Primus looked down at the house of cards shaped into an L. How did the detective even get that high was quite the question, but he couldn’t muster to ask it.

Yes, he was a god of death but he would sometimes feel this ‘empathy’ or whatever one might call it towards the lonely man that he followed around. What he was feeling was just desire to follow someone interesting, nothing more and nothing less. This is just how shinigamis acted around everyone.

All those towers of cards encircled him, almost swallowing is figure .His body blending with his surrounding, maybe a desire to actually be L. Even if he technically was the best detective in the world he still kept that self deprecating thought of not being enough, or at least this is how the Shinigami interpreted all his strange behaviours.

“Why do you want to be L that bad? Why can’t you just be you?” asked the Shinigami as the towers of cards kept growing around the man, hiding his body between the letters.  
“I have to be him. I am now L and there is nothing I could ever do about it.” Answered the detective flatly as his hair covered his face.  
“You are so pathetic… even if you act as him you will never be him” said Primus, aware that these words were sharp.

Some years prior Midra had some fun on hearth with a human who would kill those that wished death for themselves. Surely it was a fun time, all that chaos. In the end ,the so called, C-Kira ended killing himself by writing his own name on the death note. What a sad ending to something that could be so fun.

“Primus ,have you by any means moved my vitamins for all this years? You might not answer, but I must say thank you.”  
Those words were unexpected, but the god of death wanted the detective to live, purely for fun reasons, no other subtexts. (he knew that he was lying to himself, but at the end of the day what was really the truth and what was really the lie was just a simple game of points of views)

In the Shinigami real things were relatively quiet , maybe Ryuk was planning something .That would be nice.   
(the Shinigami with a tie over his head would always stare at him ,but Primus would pay no mind, gods could be weird creatures sometime)

C-Kira killed himself after being noticed by L, after being called cheap. Near was so smart but had no love for himself and all his success. The little freak couldn’t even accept that he was number one, no one was a better detective than him, yet he was making card houses for no other purpose other than remind himself of what he could never be.

One day , without any other imput or even turning around to face him N said ”What is actually the ‘Mu’? From my understandings and findings that is a place of emptiness, but could someone who used a death note become a shinigami? How exactly is a Shinigami born? If this place exist does that mean that there is a heaven and a hell? ” a few seconds of pause followed by an almost whispered “Can I bring someone back from the dead?”  
“Damn who is this poor sinner that you want to bring back? If someone is dead that is for the better, playing God is hard, it is not just following weirdos around”answered Primus in a derisive tone.  
“He isn’t dead as long as I remember him. He doesn’t need to be alive for his life to matter”.  
“Is this about the guys with the graves? Where you cry? I have been following you for years and that grave is a constant in your life, you are really lonely. At least you have a Shinigami following you” scoffed Primus, L kept thinking about those two corpses, but those who are dead stay that way.

Primus wasn’t jealous, he was just making fun of the pathetic human who wished that he could bring back the dead to be less lonely. Why would Near need some dead guys when he was with him all the time? Was he not enough? Not that it mattered to him.(it still did)

Near didn’t regret that short conversation.

Blonde hair and scars kept looping in the mind of the creature, like a hypnotising film with a sad ending ,that you still love even while being aware of how pathetic you are going to feel as it ends. 

“Near who are the people whose graves you visit? Why do you even bother with dead bodies?”  
“Technically you are a dead body as well, but I still put up with all of you. The boys are number two and number three , Mello and Matt . I believe I never told you about whammy’s house, the place where I trained to become the next L. The place was very toxic, the first successor was A and she killed herself. BB was literally named Backup but succumbed into madness and he put himself on fire, Mello wrote an entire book about this. After the death of those two I was the next L, and Mello was number two. He hated that position, he was worthy of so much more. The day when L died by the hands of Kira was the day he decided to leave the Whammy house, because L didn’t choose yet a successor ,he belived that I was the one that should have been chosen. It was un true, he was better than I could ever be. The day when L died I didn’t care much about anything, I had no purpose, I was just a puppet that followed what he was instructed to do because I couldn’t do no better, while Mello was better than all of this. Maybe in another reality we could have worked together, maybe I could have tried telling him to be the successor, yet I am here and he is buried in a shallow grave. Blonde hair, blue eyes, a scar and fierce looks was him. If there is a heaven I hope he knows that I wont ever forget him.” Primus was surprised about actually getting an answer, and he was even more surprised about finding out that Mello looked eerily similar to the man in his dreams.

“N… do you have a picture of Mello?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this being a week late, but i had some problems with school and such. How are you, my beloved readers? I hope you enjoyed this chapter and i hope you will have an amazing week!  
> Thanks you for the kudos and comments!


	6. WHATEVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Primus takes a break... from whatever was his relationship with Near, but finds some interesting realisation.

“No. I don’t and I don’t see why you would take interest in it. I don’t even know why I told you this. Forget it ,I should sleep, even if that isn’t L like.” Ranted N.

“Why can’t you accept that at the end you aren’t L?” started the Shinigami “L is dead while you are not. You don’t need to be like him, if you can’t beat the game, if you can’t solve the puzzle you are nothing ,but a loser, yet you are no loser.”

Hearing those words Near flinched and stared at the Shinigami dead in the eyes.  
“Where did you hear those words?” asked the detective while trying to use a steady tone of voice, but failing.  
“I.. umh ..just said what came first in my mind..i suppose. Why the reaction sheep?” Primus didn’t know why those words had such an effect on the long haired man, but he felt as if he was doing something wrong or forbidden. But all he said was a normal sounding phrase.

For the first time the Shinigami could remember he felt embarrassed. His usually cocky habits and personality were replaced by a feeling of ..something? He didn’t even know how to refer to it.

For the first time from the day he started following the detective he decided to take a real and genuine break, maybe to find some other interesting human that acxtually feared him. Near might have been a simple human, but he wasn’t afraid of death. If his eating habits and sleeping patterns were any sign of something he was incredibly uncaring about dying, he almost embraced it. (but the detective should know that the dead don’t have the chance to forget their vitamins packed in gummy bears)

He did one of his favourite old habits: he went to classrooms and assisted the lessons. There was really no use in understanding ancient Greek and its roots in the modern English language or how to build a rocket but it was an interesting way of spending time, but understanding the third declination in Greek won’t give him the power to understand the way he felt, but maybe he could forget, maybe once he had been a student that wished to understand and to do good, but that had was a forgotten past that hasd no use in the present.

He tried not to think about anything , but he was really interested in this so called ‘Whammy House’, not for Near, just for educational purposes .( or at least that is what he told himself)

He also caused some havoc here and there, made some dumb pranks, almost like a teenager incapable to accept the reality of growing up, but he was no teenager and he had no need to any run from any hard truth. (other than the connection that he felt for Near)

(he really tried not to see parallels between himself and that boy Mello, but some memories would just appear in his mind, randomly and without any reason, but he was not him and Mello wasn’t him, right?)

Even without much research he found some information about ‘Whammy’, an inventor who founded the orphanage where Near trained as a child. On the outside it looked regular, but the children inside were learning to be detectives day after day. Primus was sure that mr. Whammy was a very nice and kind man, but training orphans wasn’t exactly the best decision for their development .From what he understood thanks to L that place was extremely toxic, who knows what future the kids would have had if only they had different chances. A wouldn’t have died, BB wouldn’t have become crazy, Near could have loved him back.  
What?  
Yet again Primus was having one of those moments where he would confuse himself with number two, for no reason, he also wasn’t in love with Near at all . He followed him around for fun, there was no other detail missing, Mello was long dead.

One of the girls from the orphanage was an artist, maybe her name was Linda or something. She had great skills and sometimes would call N, not for work related motivations but out of genuine interest in how the man was doing. Over the years Linda and L interacted quite a few times, probably the closer thing to a genuine friendship that Near had. The artist was still the one that showed the sketches of number 2 and 1 to Kira, without any ill intention ,but still what would have changed if she didn’t do that? Nothing? Everything? There was no real answer and never would be.  
Near didn’t care about that at all, he would answer her calls and show interest in having a relative ‘frienship’ even after that. Obliviously he had never been a great interlocutor ,but the Shinigami was happy to hear that the detective wasn’t as lonely at him.  
His mind would still often play tricks and make him think things like that ,but he didn’t care about Near in any way shape or form, it was all just a sensation that followed him around, nothing more.

For some days he followed Linda around, even with her upbringing she had an actual life. She was doing the things that she liked ,she was genuinely living.  
“Hey Nate! How are you?” heard Primus while getting closer to the girl that was speaking on the phone.  
“I suppose well, thank you for caring. How are you Linda? I saw your paintings and I must admit that each and everyone of the things you paint looks better that the one before. I am truly amazed, but you are already aware of that .” answered the detective. The Shinigami was so surprised by the tone of the conversation, it was nice hearing L act interested in something.  
“Mh… you don’t seem that ok! Hope you know that you can talk to me, you could even come to one of my expositions.. if you wanted of course..”  
“Maybe someday. Right now I am quiet busy with a ‘different’ kind of case. Someone who reminds me of the past. I am not sure how I should act but I wish to be with the umh.. ‘friend’ ,I suppose he can be called that. I wish that he could open up. Oh sorry I am rambling yet again, forgive me.”  
“Coming from you this is new! You never showed much interest in anyone, so what criminal is plauguing your mind so much? If you want to can always speak to me!"  
"It is not a criminal. He is just someone that i wish to understand. Thank you for those tips, you are always nice. I must go now, bye"  
The detective ended the conversation that way, wothout any real understanding of what he was feeling or how he should act, he wasn't the only one.

Maybe Primus could help him here ...and maybe he could brush all that hair from his face and look at his pretty features and maybe understand himself more.


	7. ANYWAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past is the past for a reason.

Shinigami weren’t able to teleport, they couldn’t read minds and they also couldn’t move objects with their thoughts, yet they were fully fledged gods ,who could die only with some very specific set of actions :only if they died for someone else, a human to be precise.

Giving up your existence for a human sounded un-sensical, why would anyone do that, why would someone as strong and powerful as a death god do that?

Yet the notebook that Primus gave to Near belonged to not one, but two shinigamis who did the same thing. But this didn’t change anything.

Linda lived in a small city in Europe, in a city with an extremely old history, yet Primus didn’t care about that . The past is the past for a reason.

He spent some time away from Near, was he missed? But most importantly why did he care weather or not he was missed or not?  
Those “moments” that he would have sometimes would show what he assumed were scenes and memories from the past of the number two from Whammy House: Mihael Keehl, or better known as Mello. Near hadn’t spoken much about his exact looks ,yet the scar and the memories matched the timeline that he was supplied with.   
Primus had hair, yes even if it was sitting right atop the skull. How were Shinigami actually made was an incredibly big question, but there was literally a notebook capable of killing people, some questions were better left unanswered. (yet he would still ask them)

In the past he thought that he was a being that just always existed, yet he could only think of something like ten years in the past, around the same time that Mello died. The exact dates were unclear, but he could be wrong of only weeks at most. So there was a genuine and real possibility of being related to number two. Why would he be ‘back in life’? Why him from all the others? The memories weren’t clear by any means, but in some of them there was death caused by him, with no other means other than getting his own selfish desires. From all the people that lived this earth he wasn’t good enough. The concept of ‘good enough’ might seem ambiguous, but he had literally killed so many people, even if they weren’t innocent they still were living humans.

In one of those fuzzy memories that he would sometimes have he would be back into a teenager, he and Near had a project together. It was an assignment related to the sense of morality and how everyone perceived it differently, he was parried with Near because no other wished to work with him.

Mello was good looking ,but few would resist his instable temper. Most kids wanted to work with number one, yet Near asked him to be his partner. They hated each other, or at least Mello did. He couldn’t accept the concept of failure, the concept of being second. 

The two competitors wouldn’t interact much, but Near was a constant in his mind. He knew that it wasn’t healthy, yet he would wake up daily thinking of his soft round face, now it was a bit more angular, a bit more manly, yet his expression would still be one of boredom. Mello always wished to see him smile, as weird as it may have sounded getting a smile out of the younger boy almost obsessed him. The worst part is that Near would sometimes quirk his lips while talking to someone or sometimes even while alone. (Miahel never considered that maybe Near was smiling while thinking about him, that never crossed his mind)

Even number’s two dressing style was born from a desire to be different from him, to stand out from him. In a room of people they would always attract attention, be it good or bad. Near was dressed in pristine white clothes, like an angel that was going to save the word, but an angel would have a better moral compass. It was an interesting metaphor, if Near truly was an angel him being a god of death was something worth of a good chuckle.

Mello spent all his time thinking about Near, Matt would often make jokes about the situation, he would call him a school girl in love. Now Primus could see why, when he was younger he had no understanding of the concept of love. His mother and dad would often fight , he still loved his mother ,but couldn’t stand them being together. He thought that loving someone was a synonym of fighting and loud screams that he hated so much while being a child, yet he repeated them. Now he understood, but the past is the past.

For the assignment about morality they would meet in the library and they finished it in three sessions, Mello would loudly complain all while they were together, but it was nice being close to Near, sometimes while the other would speak he would just look at his innocent eyes and at the way his mouth moved to form those complex phrases and he would forget everything. In those few moments they weren’t rivals, they just were two orphans that could have done so much good ,if they would have only worked together, yet things would always get in between ,maybe if Mello would have realised that what he was feeling wasn’t just a one sided hate they could have done something greater.

But our beloved Miheal wasn’t always the brightest and he probably wouldn’t have been even if he were to live. The only person who managed to put up with him was now long dead, forgotten by all ,if not for a few. Maybe next he should go to his grave and pay respects, even if he wasn’t technically Mello he still had all those memories, maybe he could even change something for the better. Even if the past was the past, he could try to be what he hadn’t been ,and maybe he could get a better present. (and see Near smile while thinking of him)

(in the end the assignment related to morality was a complete success, maybe if they would have worked together things could have also been a success, but no use in thinking of a future they will never have)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter i belive that there will be some actual interaction and not just internal monologue. Hope you enjoyed !!!


	8. ELSEWHERE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally they meet.

Getting to Near’s base was bothersome , to say at least. Why did he need to live in that place ?From all the possibilities he choose that ugly building? L was sure as hell pretty clueless about all the stairs, not like he ever actually used them.

Without the detective some time had passed. It was weird after almost ten years of following him and his careless habits of forgetting the vitamin gummies, not to be near him was almost lonely, to say at best.

“Hello Near. Still kicking even without taking your gummies?” said the Shinigami once he got close enough to the man in question.  
The detective looked surprised, almost pleasantly .”Oh! Primus… what can I say I am glad for having the chance to see you again ,after all this time” said as he smiled while doing some elaborate domino arrangement.  
His crew also looked almost relived for his appearance. He was starting to grow on these strange FBI-something men.

Primus took a nice trip across the building, to see if there were any new changes. (he also played some dumb tricks on the cleaning staff, nothing risky ,just some harmless jokes)  
It was interesting that even as a death god he acted as what he assumed was once his ‘counter part’, the famous Mihael Kheel, the one and only, the one who caused such havoc for Near’s team, did the detective ever realise their similarities? Primus hoped that Mello didn’t have a voice such as his, it sounded deep ,but also chicken like? It was hard to explain ,so he hoped that the human version of himself didn’t sound as constipated as him when he spoke.  
Even while he elaborated such dumb thoughts he would think about Near, even if he realised that he had the memories of a past , what were they supposed to do ?Would he have to act differently? Would anything change really?   
He should say something ,right? Maybe he should tell him about those memories with him in their childhood, or all that self deprecating sadness that motivated him, or most of all he could… apologize? (but for what specifically? For his amazing style? For his coolness? For his amoral actions? Maybe it would be better if he apologised for everything… yeah)

Absolutely not.

All those rooms looked so bland? Near might have been the smartest man alive, the best detective and all that jazz, yet those rooms missed some spice. Who cares that you defeated Kira when you don’t even have an interior design….  
If he was a human as rich as Near was he would have changed that place to the BONE. A little bit of black walls with Victorian furniture and his workers would have had to dress with medieval style clothing. In the end anything would have been better than the current design.

Yet he was a pathetic god of death with memories of an even worse human, what could he judge here, if not his own actions.

There was one room in the building that he never entered, it was on the last floor, near the enormous library. Why did Near do with such a big room full of books if he most likely hadn’t read in months… damn his smart mind. Mello had never hated Near, as much as he hated the competition between them and all that it implied. While human he was always second, in a game with no winner. He had always been silver in a game where jewels weren’t any use, a simple piece of metal that could hold any meaning only if it was cared for. It wasn’t the best analogy, in the end Near had always shown him interest, as much as he could, yet he had tried. Mom and dad did too, Matt as well. Yet now only one these people wasn’t dead, maybe he could try to amend his sins, yet again Matt was very much worthy of a genuine apology and he also knew where his grave was. One of those days he could do what he should have always done.

Yet now he wanted to see what lurked behind that big door.

It wasn’t bright, yet it was most likely a white room ,with completely white furnishing. The furniture wasn’t much, it looked like a bed and a small table. Toys were sprawled across the floor. Yeah… Near’s room. It wasn’t nice to intrude into such things, he shouldn’t have come here at all, it wasn’t nice of him. Yes, he was a Shinigami, but not even Mello would have broken someone’s personal space.

“Primus… ?”  
Amazing. Fantastic. Extraordinary. Extravagant. That was the detective’s voice, he was very much aware of where he was. He just had to pretend that it wasn’t anything, right?  
“Near. I was just checking if there was anything new in this building. I must admit that you have absolutely no sense of style. None at all, good god.”  
The small man smiled. Yes ,he genuinely did. It was extremely nice, but it must have been the lighting …right? It looked better than his other monotone expression, he wouldn’t have minded to have that sweet sight imprinted in his memory, but it was just an impression or something ,yeah?  
“I am glad that you are back here you know? No one here would change the position of these dumb vitamin gummy bears… “ Mell-no Primus would sometimes forget that in the end Near was human , capable of smiling. Who knows how would have their life been if they would have went to an actual orphanage instead of whatever Whammy’s house was. Maybe they would have known each other, maybe they would have been friends, without all that rivalry. Maybe they would have been best friends that both loved some band like Nirvana, maybe they would have seen each other as more than that, maybe Near could have understood that he thought of him everyday, maybe it was not just a rivalry . Still the past is past for a reason.  
“Near… do you think a lot about your past? About L?” asked the shinigami ,with an unusual caring tone.  
“Yes ,actually. I am not very proud of those times, but I met so many people that deserved more. Yet I am the one to live now. I have never seen L, we just once spoke via computer. Almost everyone asked him questions, I did and Mello didn’t as well. Living in the Whammy house was not the best time of medium, it was very stressing…I just… I don’t even know. I am spilling some childhood memories to a god of death… how strange I must look in your eyes…” laughed again the detective, but this time it was different, so happiness in his eyes.  
It was weird the way Near opened up to him, he hadn’t heard the detective share something so personal from.. from ever? The Near in Mello’s memories was much more harsh, yet the detective in front of him looked as just a tired man, with sorrow in his eyes.  
“Why put it like that ? You should feel honored that someone as mighty as a me decided to listen to your life story. I asked you to tell me, you aren’t wasting my time.. oh I am also immortal.”

Near smiled.

“L! We are sorry to interrupt ,but I believe you should see this!” exclaimed one of the detective’s workers.


	9. OUTSIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What could be so important as to interrupt them?

“What is it?” asked Near with his usual monotone. What could be happening so important to come in his room? A situation that creates enough panic as to call him even while he said he was taking a break ?

“L, on Sakura TV a piece of paper with the words ‘the power to remotely kill people as used by Kira is being put up for auction if you want to buy it, use the hashtag #powerofkira on twitter and indicate your bid amount in American dollars’ appeared. There was no one holding it and it fluctuated. For this we have reasons to believe that this is actually someone with somewhat of an affiliation to Kira.”  
“I understand perfectly, I am going to re-watch it myself .If the piece of paper was held by what appeared to be nothing it makes perfect sense that it may have been a Shinigami, it may have even been Ryuk.” 

If someone ,most likely in Japan actually was in posses of a Death Note that means that their life time would have also been altered. Primus needed only to go check along the streets for someone whose number related to the lifetime wouldn’t be visible. Easy job, if only Japan wasn’t a real country that extended across a lot of kilometres with who even cares to count the population.

He still wanted to help Near, even if he was a Shinigami those memories of their childish competition still stuck inside his mind .The worst part of all those thoughts? Of all those wishes? Of all the feelings that he felt for Near? Well ,those weren’t even his. He may have thought like Mello, yet he wasn’t him, and would have never been.  
What if this would have ended like the first time? What if he sacrificed himself again just so Near could win a life of solitude? Yes ,he had Linda, yet he didn’t have any friends ,even his team spent so much time with him, yet what did they know about him? Some didn’t even know that his other alias was in fact Near. Near built a fortress of loneliness around himself, a tower of card so grand that no one dared to ruin it, so why should a Shinigami with memories of what he assumed was his child rival do ? What could he ever do in a situation such as the one that he was experimenting?

All those plans were futile if he didn’t knew Near’s next move. He may have hated him ,yet he had to admit that in the end he was very creative and most likely had a very complex and elaborate plan for this.

“Actually, we aren’t going to do anything. We will wait to see how this unfolds” said the best detective in the world, almost as if all that didn’t actually affect him. Mello hated that aspect of Near, his ‘detachment’ from everything, even if it meant the world.

The Shinigami learnt over the years that this was just how Near acted. How did he manage to follow him for all those years without ever thinking that they knew each other? How did he spend all that time telling himself that all those memories were anything ,but memories? Did Near also have them? 

He was going to ask him this. Yes. That is the best course of action.

“Yeah in this recording Ryuk appears. This is no doubt related to a very real Death Note, yet for now we must wait, nothing can be done” said Near as he re-watched the recording of the Sakura channel.  
“I can ask Ryuk for questions. I may be able to find him and I could help” said Primus, it was a very weird thing for him. He felt so much anger towards the fact that the number one detective in the world has simply accepting his demise. Disgusting. L would have done so much more, Near was just waiting. Mello would be doing the worst of the worst, yet he wasn’t Mello, he should try to be useful, and maybe try understanding Near’s point of view? 

He knew that L’s ways where very much logical, yet… just waiting felt wrong. Who knows who was going to buy the Death Note? And who would be so stupid as to sell on Sakura TV a weapon of mass murder? Most likely the purpose of this was a desire to enrich .The Death Note was most likely going to value a lot, yet no amount of money could value as a human life. There was no way to just watch things go like that.

“Ah… Primus I suppose you could. I am not very trusting of the fact that Ryuk is going to let you know anything and I have no idea where are you going to find him, but I understand your reasoning.” Answered Near after various minutes of reflecting, followed by a short “Thank you” at the end.

Primus felt very ashamed of his ways of thinking, in the end Near also wanted to do something, yet what could be done? The hashtag was posted on Twitter, anyone could check the price and make a bid, surely getting angry wouldn’t have helped, yet that is what Mello would have done. Mello also became a Mafia boss, just because he ‘hated’ Near. In his memories he would feel guilty of it, one of his last thoughts was the desire to apologise, to have something similar to another chance? Maybe to appear in his dreams and have a last meeting , or the ability to go back in time, so technically his desire was realised? So why wasn’t he using it ? Why did he keep thinking like the fifteen year old whose mentor has just died? He shouldn’t waste any on this, he should go to to Matt’s grave to apologise ,maybe do the same to Near. Yes, this time he was actually doing it, no one could stop him, if death wasn’t powerful enough to kill him then a small ‘sorry’ wouldn’t have done any harm.

But how to ‘’introduce’’ the argument? What words could have ever been enough ? Would have anything ever been enough?

Fuck it, a small word wasn’t that hard on the tongue.

“Near, I am sorry.”


	10. NOWHERE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Primus visits Matt's grave.

There stood Matt’s grave .Far away from civilisation, far away from everything if not for Mello’s own grave. (as if that made all of that any better)

The field seemed to extend for miles and miles, the loneliness of it all doomed any other emotion that he could ever dream of having. 

No one visited this place ,if not for Near and his dumb team that followed him anywhere he would go and listened to each and every thought he would express, like trained puppies acting nice wishing to be rewarded. (there was no use saying those things about them, he just wanted to express his anger, even if it was a dumb way)

‘Mail Jeevas’ was written on the grave ,in a regular font on a regular looking grave. Without him Kira would have never been defeated, Near would have died, but still no one knew his story, no one knew about him. All of Matt’s dream of a better life waisted ,as for now he was a corpse, a corpse who had been dead fro years and years.  
Near Matt’s shallow grave stood a grave just as shallow, his ‘own’, or Mello’s? Primus was Mello, but at the same time he wasn’t. 

Matt deserved a better funeral. Primus hadn’t been there ,so he couldn’t know how it had actually been, yet Near most likely invited Linda and no one else. Did he bring a priest or some other religious figure? For one Matt had never been a radical catholic or anything ,but he could accept the thought of having a superior being looking over him, maybe not a god, but a death god such as Primus himself.

While alive the boy that was now a corpse was energetic and sassy, he would dye his hair some strange color every other week and he would smoke as many cigarettes as he could muster. He was the third in line for L’s place ,yet he never cared. It was almost a game to him, like all those videogames that he would play all day instead of studying. He wouldn’t even show up to lectures, yet he would manage to find a way to have egregious marks ,for things he had never even tried to learn.

He could be called un unforgettable character, someone the entire world could have loved and appreciated and respected, yet that was a big fat lie. He had been dead for something like ten years, by now only Near visited his grave.


	11. INSIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Primus thinks so much of the detective he also wishes that the detective could do the same.

“Near I am back from my journey. I am sure that you missed me, hope you didn’t forget the vitamin gummies and please tell me that you showered. This is very embarrassing, that I ,a death god, I have to tell you this things” said Primus as he appeared from the floor.  
“Thank you Primus for the concern, but I actually showered and ate my vitamin gummies. Did you do anything interesting on your trip?” said flatly the detective.  
“Yeah, I visited those dumb graves. They are for those two ,Matt and Mello, but why are they in the middle of an enormous field? The design sucks, just wanted to let you know.” Complained the Shinigami.  
“Thank you for the constructive criticism, but what should I do to those graves? In the end nothing I will ever do would be able to matter as much as those two corpses. I would be dead without them.”  
“Yet you still act as if you were dead. Yes, they are decomposing, but aren’t you doing the same? You are so obsessed of being L that you aren’t even living. That fucker, Matt ,would have absolutely wanted you to have fun and do some hardcore drugs inside a pool. Not saying that you have to do this things, but at least do something fun once in a while, like when was the last time that you experienced joy?” bitterly joked the death god.  
“Actually you give me joy. I like hearing your opinion on my diet. You make me feel less lonely. It is pretty dumb.” Answered Near, looking unaware of how those words impacted the being in front of him.

For once in all of these years Primus was happy about not having any way of showing his emotions trough his skull, because if it weren’t like that he would have done some human things such as blushing or smiling, and a death god never does those things .(yet he wasn’t just a death god ,was he?)

“Assuming we even find a-kira are you certain we can charge them with a crime?” stated Near to his co-workers. “In the past I called the notebook the worst murder weapon in history ,but weapons of mass murder are traded around the world every day. If you want to seize the notebook ,I would recommend finding the person who won it, once the auction is over.”  
Near was right, yet just staying there ,watching a-kira go on with is own plan wasn’t right. People were going to die, the death note was a death machine, yet Near was right, and he had to understand that. Mello would have been pissed, ready to express all his anger in any way possible ,almost as if he would have been yet again second place in some dumb test about robotics or some other useless subject that he despised and that didn’t hold any meaning. Yet, he wasn’t the young and fierce blond, he was Primus.

And Primus respects Near and tries to understand his point of view. So the shinigami had no problem understanding that it was the easiest plan, even if he wanted to meet this criminal, just because they seemed smart or something like that. The Shinigami didn’t like the tought.

“If the shinigami appears on any camera footage aside from the TV studio it will be when he’s handing over the murder notebook to the buyer. But art that moment a-kira will have parted ways with the notebook, and we can assume that any memory of all of this will be gone.”  
“So you are saying there is no chance we catch them?” asked Lester with almost disbelief.  
“I think it would be easier to figure it out by detecting whoever gets the money after the auction is complete, but I feel like that would be admitting defeat, in a way. And in fact I can’t help ,but feel like this was planned thoroughly enough that it will be impossible to detect the money changing hands, well ,ultimately we only need to track down whoever wins the notebook. Let’s sit back and watch for now.”  
“Primus, I know Shinigamis don’t show feeling, yet you seem angered by what I said. Do not waste your time with feeling anger ,this is my failure, and even if it is the first I can’t do anything but accept this. “ added Near at the end.

Primus knew that it wasn’t Near’s first failure. His first mistake were those words pronounced in front of Roger, that insult towards the man he aspired to be, calling L a loser was wrong, L never lost, he just gave them a chance of winning, even if Mello ended up dead. Using his own words he was the one that yet again hadn’t managed to solve the puzzle. He was the loser this time.

(yet he couldn’t be anything else, so what did it matter?)

Ryuk wasn’t even in the Mu, probably he was stealing some apples . Yet the weird Shinigami with a tie stood there ,on that rock, just as he had done for all those years.  
“I think I understand. You know that I am Mello, or better said I have his memories. Am I correct?” asked Primus to the weird god in front of him.  
“Fancy actually meeting you here. Almost as if you weren’t one of the two successors, the two successor that destroyed the plan for a better world. I believe that by now you know who I truly am.”   
“Yeah you are the fucker with a god complex and a crush on the detective that was supposed to arrest you , aren’t you? We wouldn’t be here if you just didn’t kill people? How could have L ever been infatuated with someone as you is an absolute mystery. Oh sorry for your sister” sneered Primus.

That exchange was genuinely weird, meeting the man that caused your death, and that of so many more . Funny stuff this meeting. Primus hadn’t yet understanding of how Kira had become a Shinigami, or how he also did that.

Yet he was there to ask the king a question.

“How are Shinigamis born? What creates them?” asked Primus to the king of all the god of death, with a calm tone. He had nothing to lose here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is going to end in less than five chapters i think, so thanks to everyone who still reads this! I love all your comments and kudos!


	12. FACE-TO-FACE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long waited realisation.

“Well …. Finally! Hhaha..when someone uses a death note they don’t end up in heaven or hell.. well… so there is the Mu. A space made of nothing, nothing but you and your own thoughts to torture you for eternity. Funny place .Yet if one has a wish , a desire or a purpose that they want to complete you might wake up as a god, and then you go and cause death. Yet this life as a death god is much worse than any other punishment. Hahaha” said the Shinigami king, almost as if all of that was just a funny joke between old friends.  
Hearing those words Primus turned around, the Shinigami king was making a fool of him most likely. These words were fake, right?

“Near, how come that you are so careless about having a Shinigami following? How much of a freak do you manage to be? “ asked Primus with a sour tone, that he didn’t mean, yet speaking to someone that was the childhood rival in his own memories that weren’t even yours had that effect.  
“I often feel lonely. I live just because I don’t want anyone else to do this job. At this point this isn’t even a job, more like my reason. Yet there is also you.” Answered calmly the detective ,today he was feeling talkative.  
“Why do you see me as a reason to be? Your death would be infinitesimal in the concept of future, yet you long for my presence ?” asked Primus, the sour tone disappeared, now it was genuine curiosity.  
“I feel like I understand you. You feel not like a god of death, but as a long lost friend .If you wanted to tell me that in fact you are my childhood rival I would believe you. Actually, you could tell me that in fact being followed by a death god is a curse, yet you are a curse that could caress my hair and watch me sleep ,so you can make sure that I am feeling all right. This is dumb ,but I feel a connection to you.” Said Near as he calmly twirled his hair in a repetitive ,meaningless pattern, even as he said words sharper that any sword.

Primus was confused . Or better said he didn’t know what to say. Should he tell the detective what memories he held? Should he tell him about those thoughts? And by the way he said it maybe Near knew what type of connection they shared. He was the number 1 detective for a reason right?

“In fact you are right. In fact I may be Primus, yet I can’t help those memories. Memories of a blonde boy that competed against you, in a game that you didn’t even want to take part. Now I am not a death god, but also ….i don’t know what to call it. I am Mello” exclaimed slowly the ‘’death god’’, shocking all of Near’s coworkers.  
Near smiled slowly, and for once he raised his head up and looked into the shinigami’s eye, looking straight through those weird Shinigami like eyeballs, for the first time since ever actually looking at him.  
“Welcome Mello. Please don’t look so shocked about the whole happening. I know that most of you remember the boy with blond hair, especially you Linder” said Near referring to his team. Most of them had an air of strong disbelief, Linder especially.  
“I first had my suspicions the day I first saw you. When we were in front of the graves I thought that you actually were Mello, after nine long years I forgot your voice, but not your style, the things you do that make you be you. The last few years i felt followed , I thought a stalker had come into the building and changed the place of my toys in my room and the place of those vitamins gummy bears, I never felt alone. You know way too many things to be a random death god, and you feel so… human. Even your looks are the same as his, or better said… yours. You all show faces of disbelief, yet there is a killing notebook being sold around the world. Thank you Mello, after all those years I can thank you for catching Kira, without you now I would be dead, and so many people also would. Even as a death god you are still him” explained the detective ,and mouthed a few other words ,without making any sound, yet that wasn’t important.

Near was thankful for him.  
Near was aware of him, and most of all he was grateful?   
Mello wanted to cry, yet shinigamis didn’t possess tear ducts ,so he was stuck with an emotionless face, even as he felt very happy. After all those years of following the smaller man he had started to understand him, the fury that he would feel while being with the mostly emotionless albino was now irrelevant. Yes, he now was a death god, yet he felt a very real desire of longing towards what he first saw as an enemy.

(still he had never changed the place of Near’s toys, most likely the detective was fatigued for all those years of being alone or something alike) 

After the team went home after the long day of work, and after that new discovery Near and Primus, better said Mello sat in the same room. Not speaking or anything, just existing at the same time, no sounds needed.  
“If you already knew who I was why didn’t you tell me ?” randomly asked Primus as the detective built a tower of cards, most likely to make another enormous L shaped tower.

A few seconds of silence stretched, Near probably trying to find a good enough answer.  
“I- I didn’t want to put my hopes up. I didn’t want to remember. I wanted to forget everything, my existence included. I wanted to believe that I have always been L, that I only exist to play his role, and that L is what I am, the only thing that I am able to be. Admitting your existence would mean that I had to admit my loses, but now it isn’t like this.” Answered Near, and took one of the cards at the base of the tower. 

All those cards came flying down ,whatever structure Near wished to make was now destroyed, some cards sprawled across the floor were the only proof of their existence and now they were completely useless.


	13. TOGETHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small acts of tenderness are exchanged, after so many years.

“Do Shinigami sleep? Can you get cold? “ asked quietly Linder. From all of the people she seemed the most weirded out by his ‘reincarnation’. She was the only other person to have somewhat known Mello while he was helping in taking Kira out, yet this entire situation wasn’t very understandable by any means.   
“Not really. Sleep is useless and our bodies aren’t like a human one, so no cold or heat.” Responded Primus with a calm tone, he knew that the woman didn’t mean any harm in asking that.

It was getting late and Near’s team was going to go home after such long hours of work and after such weird discoveries, but as Linder got closer to the exit Mello said “Thank you.” And the woman smiled gently. It was understandable.

“I heard from earlier that you don’t sleep, so what do you do in those times?” said Near while painting something ,maybe one of those weird dolls.  
“I wander, I think, nothing much. I am in fact very useless ,I am nothing ,but the corpse of someone who could have done better. You are the only one capable of understanding me and what Whammy House did to the children. In this form I can’t even be a detective. At least I have you.” Was the sad answer that sounded more like a word vomit. The simple realisation, the even simpler truth.   
“You are a fool to say those words. My reasons are egoistical ,but please note that your existence is in fact very meaningful, you solved the hardest case that has ever been, you are more than those stupid standards from the orphanage. Do you know what is now the hardest part?” asked the detective and received shake of the head.  
“What if you die again? That I lose you again? I will have the hope that you will come back, even if you won’t be able to.”  
“Why live with the hope that I end up being alive? You also are more than those facts that the Whammy house has thought you, you aren’t just L, you are Near, you are Nate. Don’t waste time with some dumb possibility of an alternative version. The past is the past.” Responded Mello, feeling anger at those sad words, at his own incapacity of doing the right choice and most of all at the knowledge thar Near genuinely saw him as someone who he ‘cared’ for.  
“Well, you are right .I should spend as much time as I can with you .I am going in my room to sleep, I won’t mind your presence.” Elaborated Near.  
“You sure have your own way of asking me to sleep with you, you are always odd aren’t you?” was the sarcastic response from the god of death. Using sassy responses to cover his own feelings. Typical.  
“I wonder how did I not manage to recognize who you actually are. “said Near, with a smile in his voice.  
(so to get Near to smile Mello should have just made a witty joke? If only he had thought of that while being alive.)

“Oh god I forgot how ugly your room actually is. The monochrome white suits you, but I must say that it looks bad” said the Shinigami as he entered the room. A toy was standing on the floor, but why? The detective was very careful as to the places where he would put his belongings, maybe it was a coincidence, nothing to worry about.  
“Are you literally going to sleep in your work attire? Please, for at least once in your life wear a decent fit… please” begged Mello.  
“I don’t have many pjs, I don’t usually sleep so they are pointless. Oh and this is very comfy !Quit complaining or I will have to give up my vitamin gummies.” Threatened Near in a sleepy tone.  
“Threatening a death god? You are such a wonder to humanity, even if you only eat white rice and protein bars, or whatever those are called.”   
“I also eat chocolate. That is tasty and has some vitamins.” Said Near and suddenly added “You haven’t had chocolate in years, right? I am sorry for bringing this up. It was rude and uncalled from me, I apologize .”  
“Don’t worry. Shinigami still have the sense of taste-“ tried saying Primus before being interrupted.  
“Take this” said Near as he opened the first drawer and relived chocolate bars, over and over. Seeing that a silence started Near elaborated further “You see.. when you died I was lost. I missed you and everything that you were. In the night I would eat those foods, pretending that you could be close to me. The guilt killed me all those years, I just wanted the chance to apologize for the fact that I never let you know how much you mattered while you were alive. So I guess… I actually got a second chance.” Ended the detective, and for once in all those years he had a bright smile, his pearly white teeth were showing .  
“This is kind of ironic, I also wanted to apologize. Maybe if we had collaborated things may have been different. Thank you for finishing Kira ,oh …this chocolate is amazing. If I knew that you missed that much maybe I could have just …not died? Maybe I could have at least let you know that you are very important, for the entire earth… and for me. You have always been. Imagine a word without Kira. Things would be so different. Oh… sleep well, my little angel.” 

Between all that rant and everything else Near had fallen quietly asleep. (how long as it been that the detective hadn’t slept? Better not think about that). His body looking so calm and frail ,even after all of these years he looked the same, just lankier. His hair had grown a lot, while children it was fluffly and almost cloud-like ,being that white it would have also been amazing for Halloween night, he could have put some temporary hair dye and they could have had so much fun together. If only they weren’t in a constant competition they would have been fated for greatness, maybe they could have held hands.

(Mello didn’t know what his brain meant with the last thought, or why did he call Near a ‘little angel’, he just expressed what his heart really wanted and felt)


	14. SOMEHOW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near and Primus develelop a strange type of bond.

“Do you remember your life before Whammy’s? Oh- I am sorry . I never bothered to consider that it might have been bad.” Said Near. It was weird their new relationship. From the detective’s side there had never been hate, but neither a show of love. They were very young ,very childish as well so their relationship never had the chance to be anything other than …whatever it was .

“I believe I had a loving mother and a father who worked a lot, can’t remember much of them ,but as a child I really loved swings and my family, but I suppose we all do, or better said did. What about you Near?” asked the menacing death god whose entire body was covered in black marks, with menacing wings, yet that loved his family as a child.

“I was very young, I don’t remember anything about them. They might have also never existed for all it matters. I think about them though… Yet one day we can go to the park and to the swings if you want, or I can tell someone to create a swing for your size. It won’t be any fuss and I never gave you your birthday presents, also considering the fact that you would have seen those as signs of elevating my superiority.” Snickered Near.

“We have the new Kira to catch, but maybe someday I could get my birthday presents. I suppose it is never to late to eat chocolate instead of doing what I am-well was supposed to do. Maybe you could try doing that as well.” Answered Mello, not even showing anger trough his voice, there was no need. Not everything Near did was supposed to relate to the fact that he was the ‘best’, even if the realisation came quiet late. 

“Whammy house was incredibly toxic, I am glad you can see that your purpose is to be, rather than to be the best.”

“You are literally obsessed with being as L ,but I see your point” it was Primus’ time to laugh.

“Do I exist? Do I really do? The only way to exist is to change things ,to have a purpose across other, so I technically exist, yet I don’t feel alive? I don’t feel real. Everything is meaningless if you can’t find you a purpose for it.”  
“You don’t have a purpose. You are alive for no one else other than yourself.”

“Linder how many years have you worked with Near? “ said Primus once he got close enough to the woman, he didn’t want many other ears to hear such conversation.  
“We actually don’t work together in the real sense of the word. I am a special agent and we are cooperating together just to defeat Kira. I hold the biggest respect and admiration for him, yet I can’t seem to understand him. He looks pale and pristine, yet he is distant and almost untouchable to me.”  
“So he is alone. The tower of cards around him is not only symbolic”

The day was very calm, almost bothersome. No sign from Kira . All the workers had gone home, if not for the janitors.  
“Mello did you miss me? “ asked quietly Near, with only the light coming from the screens casting a chaste light.   
No answer. Maybe he didn’t hear it, maybe it was the universe’s way of giving him a chance to avoid such conversation.

“Actually I think yes. I spent all my days thinking about you, it is only natural that even as a god of death I would feel drawn to you. Even when I didn’t have any understanding of my ‘existence’ I had an understanding of good and bad, I suppose that my interest in you had always been a fundamental to my core. I can’t be myself if you aren’t there, you complete me .”  
Near didn’t have time to elaborate those words, a strong ‘bang’ was heard. Maybe someone had gotten in ? Did a janitor make something fall?  
“I will go check. You can’t even stand properly .” gestured Mello. He didn’t want Near to be harmed in any way. They were friends now, weren’t they?

A box had fallend, it didn’t have anything of value inside, but it made such a loud sound!

“There is no one here ,it must have been the wind”   
(they both tried to pretend that there was a window nearby ,maybe it was just an impression)

Near started standing up. It was a weird sight seeing his legs in movement ,it was a miracle that he could still use them after staying on the floor for so long, yet if notebooks capable of killing humans were real maybe that also was.  
“Are you going to sleep? Two nights in a row? I assume that if I can get back as a death god I shouldn’t be surprised.”  
“Yes. I work better when I get a proper night of sleep .I also like being near you, even if you are just standing near my bed ,in my ‘horrible un-stylish room’.   
“You are always so honest. Maybe I should have just asked you if you felt superior to me instead hating you to the point of preferring death to working with you. You aren’t all that bad sometimes”  
In response Near shot a smile, it was nice. Near could be nice.

“God.. you really managed to walk all those stairs. Maybe you are the real miracle here.”  
“When you are near me I feel capable of doing anything .I feel the desire to be even better, so you will be competing with me and we will keep making each other better. Like we were fated to …”  
“Don’t get mushy! You are the one that didn’t want to take the elevator, the music it plays isn’t that bad and aren’t you the one who is in charge ?You could change it, you know…”  
“But if I change it we won’t take the stairs and poke fun at each other” said Near as he slowly raised his foot for another step.  
“I will always make fun of you. We have proof that not even literal death has stopped me.” Joked Primus as Near was taking another step.

At night Near fell asleep fast ,his breath was regular and he looked angelic. (yet wouldn’t we all look angelic near a death god?)

“Another message from Kira has appeared , only one week is left for the auction and in fact it may end prematurely. L, what should we do?”


	15. INTERNALLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near gets more and more open about his struggle.

“The message states that ‘Don’t bother with twitter ,put your government reps into the media to make an announcement of how much you will pay to buy”  
“Now ,this is interesting. “ says Near as he reads the message on the TV. Things were starting to get even spicier.  
“But what is even more interesting is the way people are reacting. We all know that it is in fact real and that it may be used as one of the worst weapons of destruction. Donald Trump has stated his desire to buy it for 500 bllion dollars.” Stated Primus in response. 

The whole situation was as strange as the existence of a orphan reincarnated into god of death.

Who could ever be that stupid as to sell such a weapon just for money. No one should have that power.

Another message was broadcasted “The people’s republic of China will buy Kira’s power for a trillion dollars and promises to use it for peaceful end”  
“A peaceful end my ass. We have to catch the new Kira. We can’t just let things to be this way.” Said a very determined Mello. History shouldn’t repeat itself.

“We have to catch the new possessor of the death note, but how? And even if we were to capture him we don’t any tangible proof of this all. Every things feel so oppressing, so meaningless. After every case I resolve there is another, what is the use for this all? Why create an orphanage for children if all of them end up miserable?” explained Near. While his voice sounded distant and aloof he was genuinely expressing his feelings. It was weird hearing such self deprecating thoughts from someone that held so many fans and so many people were grateful for all he did, yet Near wasn’t just a machine to resolve cases.

He was a human. 

Primus wasn’t sure how to answer, in the end he understood what the white haired boy meant, yet … yet it wasn’t right.   
He wasn’t a child anymore, he wasn’t going to scream that he should give up, Mello didn’t need anymore of these pathetic habits that had accompanied him for all these years, he wasn’t a dumb teen. (well now he wasn’t even human)

“Why don’t you take a break after this Kira case? Maybe you will be more inspired.” Voiced Gevanni.  
“It is not a concept of ispiration as much as it is a concept of existentialism. All of these is going to be useless, and the worst part is that I am not able to change. I won’t ever have a normal childhood, I won’t ever have any friends, so why bother? Why even sleep? I am just a machine made to deal with cases.” Sighed the detective.  
“Maybe you could visit a therapist or something? When we were studying at Whammy’s they talked about burn out. Maybe you could have friends, you have all that you need to do so, well you would have if you showed some respect and appreciation for yourself” said Mello. It was hard sympathasing with the one that was always the best at everything, yet this wasn’t a competition anymore, anger had no use. They weren’t enemies anymore, in the end cooperation could have saved them both.

Maybe last time things didn’t come up as they should have, but the future is still up to be.

“I understand. Maybe I will also open an Instagram account where I post criminology tips, I always wished to meet people with similar interests. Maybe I will share my story to a doctor, and maybe I will feel better and more relaxed.”  
“Do you have a comb?” randomly said Primus once the room got quieter.  
“What? I believe I don’t understand”. Answered the detective.  
“I could brush your hair while you think. Maybe it will relax you .I won’t feel offended if you refu-“ Mello was interrupted.  
“Actually , you may.”

(why did Primus make such a weird proposition ? And most of all why did Near accept?)

(maybe it is better not to know)

In the end it was actually kind of fun. Near’s hair was full of knots, but it was understandable, considering the fact that he never brushed it, yet it was very shiny and it looked good.  
Near had no interest in his appearance, so he didn’t even posses some hair spray or a quality shampoo. If Mello would have had all that money while alive he would have worn the most stylish gothic gear and he would have bought a pricy perfume to cover up his constant smell of chocolate..  
“Did I pull to hard?” asked Mello after having taken care of one very kinky strand.  
“No.”  
“Would you tell me if I hurt you?” asked further Primus.  
“No” answered yet again Near.

This was the hard part of being near the detective, he wasn’t like all the others.  
Phisically he looked different, from his long white hair to his completely white apparel, but he also had his own way of being, of existing. He lived by his own philosophy, without anyone ever understaindingf what it really meant. (maybe for the better)

“Why didn’t you cut your hair after all this time? You don’t even properly take care of it, isn’t it a bother?’’ asked Mello once he almost finished brushing his head.  
“I… I just felt like it. I have no desire for anything ,so I have to desire neither to cut my hair of to let it grow. In the end my hair already grows incredibly slowly, considering that I don’t take in the necessary vitamins, yet it still grows and I don’t care. In a way I care only about not making all your efforts meaningless, I lived to be L, yet you keep trying to convinve me that I don’t have to be L. But if I am not L, then who I am?”  
“You are Near.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My laptop broke!!! This is one reason why is took me so long to update this and sorry for any other grammatical errors !!
> 
> This week I posted the fanfiction for my favourite person @fuckinqueen !!! She is the sweetest person alive and she also wrote something for me ,I havent read this yet, but I already know that I will love it!!


	16. CLOSE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time spent apart makes everything much sweeter.

Night came over.  
The day had been quiet and calm, even after all of his discussions with Near. Why wasn’t the detective capable of seeing himself as he truly was, no matter how bright his mind was he just ignored his own abilities, his own sweet smile.   
(Mello was so stuck with the concept of Near’s smile that he didn’t bother to think why such a small thing became so important)

It was weird seeing him sleep so peacefully. His breath was regular and he didn’t snore at all, yet Primus was sure that he was very much aware of everything around him, even while long asleep. Who knows what such a pure mind was thinking about, or better what would someone as him even dream about? He might understand the concept of existence, he may have found the solution to problems that have plagued humanity for so long, or he might just be sleeping. He was human.

Mello wasn’t staring at all… he was just making sure that the smaller one was getting some good rest, he deserved it. In all the years prior when he secretly followed him he had never seen him sleep so many nights on a row, yet he wasn’t going to complain, in fact he was quiet happy about this. It hurt to admit that some things that Near did actually made him happy. Near made him happy somehow. (he tried to convince himself that it didn’t really matter)

He hadn’t been in the Mu from some time, not that any of these bastard gods could ever miss him in any way ,shape or form. They were pathetic excuses for beings. They existed for the sole purpose of existing, nothing mattered to them.  
The only one who could make an exception was the Shinigami with the tie around his head. The bitch who was like him, created from a human, even if he was a disgusting while mortal , he was Light Yagami. Any way he wasn’t really ‘Yagami’ just as Primus wasn’t really ‘Mello’.   
The line of what made a human himself was very blurred, he had his memories, so he acted just as the ‘real’ Mello would have, yet a human wasn’t just his own past memories , a human was so complex and full of feelings and reasons and likes and dislikes, yet Primus also had those, so maybe a human was more than that: a human was also a animal that happened to be a mammal ,yet shinigamis were gods.  
But why did this all matter so much ? Yagami had been a human, yet his actions were atrocious as those of a beast, he had been disgusting, but in the end he died, like any human did.

Right as those thoughts were becoming more and more complex the Shinigami with the tie around his head showed up, he always looked pathetic and aloof with any of the other gods, his empty stare distant.  
“Why did you choose to be a god in a world that was never meant to be? Couldn’t you just pay attention in class?” snarked Mello, he had no reason to hide his hate so he didn’t even try.  
“I suppose you are right, but I don’t see the use in being insulted, in fact I came here to apologize ,in the best way that I can.” Said the Shinigami, his voice flat and distant.  
“I see. Why should I? From all the people you killed why am I the only one worth the apology?” stated Primus in a matter of fact way.  
“Well… I can’t really show to the house of the families of the people I killed and appear as a death god to them. I don’t have any way to apologize to them, yet I can tell you that. “  
“I suppose I can understand what you mean, yet I surely won’t forgive you still.” Answered Primus after thinking about it for a few seconds, maybe Light genuinely wanted to apologize, even if it was way too late. He had already destroyed families ,no mercy for such cold blooded killers. However he wasn’t an hypocrite anyway, he knew that he hadn’t been an angel in his human form, pretending that he didn’t also kill would be a lie, to himself and to all the corpses he had created, he also wasn’t the best person to ask for forgiveness in the name of humanity, but who could ever be worthy of punishing the worst criminal? No one is free from sin.  
The conversation seemed to end there, Mello didn’t have any more to say.

‘’Wait. Can you pay respects to L? I-I… maybe he was the one who should have gotten a second chance ,not me. He was making the world better, he was the most important human that ever existed. He doesn’t exist anymore, yet the time we spent together still lives in my mind and in the countless criminals that he bought to life.” Said Light, for the first time his voice cracked.  
Primus didn’t look back on him, he opted instead for a nod from his head as he walked away.

Light referred to L as the most important human ever existed, yet he knew that it was Near. Near held so much importance, he defeated the most dangerous criminal ever alive, Kira, while L simply died. Humanity didn’t deserve Near, and neither did Mello.

L’s grave was back at Whammy, it was easy to find. The epigraph was brief and meaningless against all the good things the detective had achieved. It made his life pathetic to look at.   
He wanted to pay his and Light’s respects, yet what could he do, what could ever be appropriate? Everything seemed to little for the person who actually died , but maybe that was enough, he was alive in his thoughts and heart, even if he didn’t truly posses one.  
That was all that he felt like doing, no amount of respects would ever be enough.

Back at the headquarters Near greeted him with such a bright smile, it almost seemed fake. Was Primus really missed that much?  
“Primus! Waking up I didn’t see you there and I got worried. Glad to see you again” said the detective in what seemed to be a cold tone, but it wasn’t . Near also wasn’t lying, the Shinigami was genuinely missed!  
(so why did that make him so happy?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is getting close to its end! I may remind you the major character tag, please be ready to accept that the ending will be hopeful, yet not completely sweet. Sorry for this!


	17. GOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time together comes in all forms.

Mello kept thinking about the new Kira, what could anyone ever do as to defeat him? It was clear that the person behind it all was smart and capable of making such a nuanced plan.  
The biddings didn’t do anything other than getting raised ,now only nations sums mattered . The current sums were so much more than any human could ever imagine. What kind of twisted fuck would sell a weapon of mass murder? It wasn’t a game, there were various proofs of how dangerous the Death Note actually was. It all was so complex, why can’t human just calm the fuck down and maybe think about the legitimate value of life? 

Primus was just so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t realize that he was being stared at, by Near of all people. He didn’t look angry or anything alike, he was just staring.

“Is there something wrong?” said Mello, now curious about the death stare.  
“Nothing. You looked as if you were in deep thought. When we were younger you used to hold the same expression when you would have some elaborate thought in your mind, even if your face isn’t human you hold the same expression. Somewhat at least.” Answered Near while mindlessly twirling a strand of his hair. He looked completely unaware of how those words made the Shinigami feel. He hated to admit ,but if he had been a human he would have worn a blush as red as a compliment, and it wasn’t even a real compliment. How? How did the white haired boy manage to have this effect on him? He didn’t even make a interesting remark or something, but he also admitted of looking at him sometimes.   
“So even as a human you would just stare like a creep at me?” tried responding. He didn’t want to let Near know what he felt, so he decided to give a snarky .  
“Actually yes. You are always the most interesting person in any room you would step in.”  
He couldn’t retort anything, so he choose to be quiet and pretend that those words didn’t affect him.

“Kira’s power has been sold to the United States of America for 100000000000000 dollars. The method of transferring will be revealed in 24 hours.”   
That was the newest message from Kira, most likely one of the last.  
Every one of the members of Near’s team just stared at the screen without mouthing any word, there was no need to.  
“Following our plan would mean trying to seize the notebook from our own government.” Finally stated Lester. He couldn’t imagine any plan that would ever work in such a specific scenario.  
“If you are going to do it, do it on your own ,please.” Answered a very bothered L. Mello felt like he understood his reasoning, he simply realised that they had nothing to do that accept defeat and change case. L had lost.  
“On… on our own? Why do you say that?” said Lester. He was absolutely at loss of words, to have the best detective in the world simply give up… how could that ever be, how could such a thing happen?  
“Because …I live in America now.”  
Mello understood, yet he didn’t want that. Nothing could be done other than accept the truth. Kira couldn’t win.   
“You got mean L…”  
“Well, even the original L was like that…”  
“When the world knows about it, that makes it much harder to just outright use the notebook. Besides ,isn’t the more pressuring issue at the moment how A-Kira will handle the transaction? “ reasoned the detective, sternly looking at those lost faces.  
“Good point.”  
“This could be our final chance to get the notebook and A-Kira.” In the end even the agents started to understand .They lost.  
“Do you understand what it means that the money’s being handed over tomorrow? Twenty-four hours would be 6 p.m. on Friday May 24, in Japan time. They probably thought that three days would be enough for the panic to subside.”  
“Oh! The banks ! They close at three on Friday and don’t open over the weekend!” “But if they want the money deposited in a Japanese bank.. it is like asking to be caught.”   
Finally they were catching up with the things that Near deduced in the instant moment he read that paper. All the while Primus was quietly observing, looking at the equip and back again at the writing. What could he ever do ,what could ever be useful?   
“It’s one quadrillion Japanese yen, the lifetime earning potential of the average Japanese is 300 million at best… if A-Kira’s been planning this out from the start , they are actually phenomenally smart.”  
Mello could just silently agree. He felt so hopeless, so useless. He was yet again back at the church, he was feeling yet again his heart stop, even as Near looked so calm. In all this argument he had chosen to be silent, as a human he might have lost his shit, but there was no use in that.

“Can I brush your hair? I suppose it will help you relax and concentrate better, it is not very fun to float around anyway…” propositioned Primus.  
“Yes thank you. I hope you don’t feel pressured into doing this as to not feel useless” answered the detective, his tone calm even as he probably was feeling pretty bad, even as he was crushed by his cases he still kept his cool.  
(Mello omitted that as much as Near was enjoying getting his hair brushed he was doing this for himself, to calm his own thoughts and sins. He wished to be useful and that was the only thing he could do.)

“Mello, when you were alive you used to carry a cross around your neck, do you believe in God ?” randomly said Near when his team was packing up as to go back home.  
It was a weird question, the detective had never been the religious one, until now at least.  
“Actually yes, I believe in such a creature. The memories of my mother are extremely fuzzy, yet she wanted me to pray with her, something about being forgiven I suppose.”  
“So, could you teach me how to pray for you?”  
That was extremely un expected, not once in all that quadrillion years he could have ever thought that Near would give him such a weird request, he never failed to surprise.  
“I-I won’t lie, I wasn’t expecting this question, I suppose that the only thing one needs as to pray is belief and thought. Thank you ,I must admit you never fail to amaze”  
He was well aware that even as he was a Shinigami Near could probably feel the smile in his voice, but at this point he almost wanted to let the younger men to be aware of his feelings.   
What a day.


	18. LOVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The case ends, feelings are shared, but one can't run from sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE THE PROLOGUE!!

“The money from the winning bid should be deposited by May 27 of this year in equal amounts to every person with a Yotsuba bank of Japan savings account and registered residence in Tokyo aged 60 and under as of the date if May 24 2020.” Was written on the piece of paper, a reminder of their what they weren’t capable of achieving.  
They all blindly looked at the TV, no words were needed. Primus expected to feel rage over such a thing, he expected to scream and point his finger towards Near, but once you know your enemy you get to realize that the two of you aren’t so different. If only he could have realised that years ago he could have survived ,maybe they could have even stopped this from ever being, they could have slept in the same bed and they could have operated together. Whatever ,no use dwelling about the past ,you should try changing your future.

Near must have seemed distant and heartless, even as he had never been able to show how he felt through words, but he wasn’t happy about the whole ordeal, in the past Mello made the mistake of seeing him as cold, but even under the coldest ice flows water.

“So to what case are we moving to?” asked Gevanni. Now that this Kira related case had ended most of his troupe would go back to their other jobs positions, be it with the CIA or with whatever secret intelligence job place.  
“I think I will take a pause from this type of crimes. Maybe I could go relax and spend my money in some other way. Someone taught me once that life isn’t just about cases, good could be done in many ways” said the detective.  
His team looked surprised ,but no one stated a different opinion.   
Was Near referring to him when he said ‘someone’? In all these years he could have never guessed that he would feel so happy from a compliment from someone he saw as a rival, but they weren’t rival anymore, were they?  
“This case had taken so much time, feel free to take a vacation. Without such an amazing team I could have never done that .” continued Near, trying to show his appreciation. He wasn’t superior to any human and he was aware of it.  
Everyone nodded in agreement, spending time with their own family was important and not as trivial as one could think of it.

It was night time and they were alone in such a big building, only the occasional rusting coming from the cleaning team could be heard, yet it didn’t feel weird.  
“You know… I wish I could spend an eternity with you. You are so dear to me, I don’t think you could ever comprehend. In a way each day I spend with you is a day where I learn to love. You are the one to teach me to.” Said Near in a whisper trying his hardest to find the correct words, even as the building was mostly empty it felt like it was still too loud.  
“I understand how you feel. My obsession with you wasn’t exactly regular, I don’t think I ever felt as much love as I feel for you, even if now it is a bit too late. I wish I could have told you sooner, maybe things could have been different, maybe we could have been together now.” Admitted Mello, there was no use in lying anymore.  
“But we are together now. It is kind of funny how even your death didn’t manage to separate us, maybe we are star crossed lovers in a way. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget you, whatever will happen I will be devoted to you.”  
“In all this time I have never apologised about leaving you alone. If only I could go back in time I would make sure to hold you dearly .” said Mello, is tone sincere and melancholic, bitterly thinking about the past. His tone so warm yet sad.  
“Don’t worry about it. I loved you as a human and I will do that even in your new form” said Near. It was weird hearing such pretty and romantic words coming from his mouth, who knew what other sides of him he kept hidden, or better said undiscovered. Near was ,almost ironically, a puzzle to be composed, one of these puzzles that made an amazing picture when composed, yet that could be only shown to those who actually tried it. Best of all he was a puzzle that Primus would have loved to uncover.

It was weird understanding, two boys who never understood love were now experimenting it to such degrees. They didn’t even bother with trying to find a name for what they felt, it was pointless, no words could represent such complex thoughts.

While human Mello could have never bothered imagining that such thing could have been shared between them, such a kind and pure feeling. He couldn’t even imagine sharing anything like that with anyone else. Maybe his mother or something, but the longing he felt for Near as he watched his figure sleep wasn’t anything that could have ever imagined. He felt calm, now they weren’t rivals or anything. It felt a little weird, after spending a life based on hate the feeling of love was almost unrealistical and distant, but this is how things were with Near and he couldn’t say he minded such a thing. In a way the smaller man had always been his life purpose, yet now it was a different kind of life purpose.   
He had always lived for someone else, never for himself. As a child he lived for him long lost mother, then he lived for a mentor who he had never met and then he lived for an enemy that never saw him as such, now as things evolved he was living. He started truly living only after after his death. Near was truly something else.

His breath was very regular, he had been asleep for a while now, he truly deserved such a thing. Sleep isn’t a reward, it’s a basic need of a human body, he was happy to finally seeing his under eyes bags ease a bit, but there was still a long way to go, but it didn’t matter. No matter how long the road was it was a road worth pursuing , Near deserved to feel true happiness, like himself. Everyone is worth of love, he realised after so many long and hard years.

In the middle of the night, as the room got darker and darker a weird sound was heard, who could ever be at that hour? And why were they holding a knife?  
Each of Primus senses activated as he woke up Near with an unholy scream. The detective absolutely confused as he suddenly woke up, but the intruder didn’t wait anything and went for a blow towards Near.  
All of Mello’s senses activated, he was aware that only one thing could ever end that criminal, he had no way of attacking him physically, but he had a death note in his hand. The intruder’s name was written in red letters over his head. It didn’t take long to write it on the notebook, in no time the armed man fell to the floor, but Primus also did the same.   
Ironically Jealous first used that notebook for a human and he was now dead, Rem did the same, in the end Primus followed their example. The fearless and proud Mello died not once, but twice for the smaller man. This time though, he wasn’t going to magically come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is the attacker will be explained in the next chapter ,don't worry.
> 
> I MUST THANK THE AMAZING @fuckinqueen FOR BEING THE BEST HUMAN EVER! I DON'T THINK I WOUOLD HAVE KEPT WRITING IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME! I WOULD LOVE TO CO-WRITE WITH YOU SO MUCH, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ONE DOES SUCH A THING! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!


	19. even for a god is hard to and and be wise at the same time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near ponders those last months in front of pretty pieces of art.

Linda was right ,the art gallery was actually kind of interesting. Art had never been his thing ,at most he enjoyed his own works on the puppets that he used when a case was more complex than what it may have first appeared, but he could understand what others saw in that particular activity. It looked fascinating and the paintings and sculpture were clearly born out of genuine dedication. 

People can love drawing as much as he loves being a detective. In both cases it makes the world a better place. 

The fly to Europe had been calm ,even as he was prone to sickness when flying on planes. 

The place decided for the show off was a formal looking place, there even stood bodyguard across the buildings. He actually had to dress formal ,even as he hated that, but someone once taught Near that you could stand trough a bit of suffering for someone else. That person was right ,Linda's smile was enough to forget his discomfort, it was clear that even with the passing of time friendship could last, in it's own way. Linda had always been a good presence ,even in his worst moments.

Months ago he would have never understood the importance of spending time with the people you held dear ,he couldn't have imagined caring about someone that much ,to the point of actively seeking them, but love can be learned. Mello had really changed his world. 

He still remembered his thoughts the second time he saw him die. Waking up in the middle of the night ,hearing a weird sound and then seeing the creature you hold more dear disappear after saving you. Maybe if he actually paid attention to those random strange sounds that would be heard around the building ,or maybe if he out better security the scum of a man would have been imprisoned. Near could easily recite so many times that he noticed a strange shadow or something alike ,but he ignored them, just like he ignored his humanity all those years.   
The killer was a fan of Kira ,the one he defeated all those years ago that didn't give up after the death of his mentor ,so he waited so many years just to hide in the building, waiting and waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike him .Yet he met death, and the same could be said for Mello. 

Their love had been kind of sad, two fated enemies that learnt to love each other too late. From the moment he realized Primus identity he knew that things couldn't end well, but at that time it seemed trivial. 

Near had to admit how desperate he felt after realizing that he couldn't do anything ,he just stared at the place where once stood his beloved. He spent a few days almost in a catatonic state ,not even caring about the consequences of the actions of the last Kira. He couldn't remember much of these days ,where he just couldn't feel anything ,but he remembered that vitamin gummy bears are one of the easiest steps to a better life. So he did what Mello would have joked about. 

He felt better.  
Even as someone dies it doesn't mean that they don't exist anymore .Mello was clearly alive in his memories and he learned everyday from him, crying wasn't going to bring him any new hope ,he wasn't alone anymore. Crying wasn't going to change the world ,but that is okay. We cry because we are human and we love ,but we love because we know that we aren't alone.

After those days in despair and drying his silent tears he changed into some actual clothing and he decided to go eat an ice cream ,with chocolate. He had never done such a thing, but before being L he was a human ,he shouldn't have to justify every single action he did.  
From that day he realised that enjoying your life isn't a sin and would never be. L his his work ,Near is a persona ,but Nate River is a human.   
(Kind of funny how humanity was taught to him by a god) 

He decided to rekindle with Linda ,he made a dumb criminal related blog, just as he once joked, he even became a regular in this caffee,and yet he also was a detective. Those parts of him were made to coexist ,those two parts were dated from the start.  
Hell he even started smiling more. 

Once he asked Primus how was he supposed to live if he wasn't there with him ,how was he supposed to exist with the constant hope that he could have been alive ,but Primus told him that it didn't matter, the past is the past. 

He constructed even some hospitals for orphans and burn victims ,he wasn't only a detective now ,he was a normal human ,capable of being more than just the tile he was forced to have as a child.   
On Mello graves he made a small park ,where people could plant their sorrows and watch a flower grow . Matt would have thought that it was just so cool ,Mello would have scoffed at the idea yet he would have appreciated the gesture. Sometimes he could still feel his eyes on him ,but this time is was an actual impression.  
(In the end those types of park became well associated with the world famous L ,the one and only who valued life not only in case of death)

Back to the present ,Near eyes fell to the painting in front of him, where a boy with long white hair walks ,in the background there is a dark cloud and some chains ,but the boy isn't stopped by them, on his feet there are bruises, most likely from the chains .  
"Linda, what were you trying to portray here ?" Asked Nate to Linda while she was showing him her best works.  
"You know... the usual. Nothing. Everything. The past exist, but we aren't chained by it. In a way you just have to move forward."  
Near nodded and the tour continued.

Mello would have loved that deep symbolism and those complex meaning ,but Mello would have loved more seeing him take those damn vitamin gummies and actually sleep, yet Near was already doing that, all thanks to the god that gave him humanity.  
Their tale was a simple sign that even for a god loving and being wise is hard ,yet nothing is impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE END!! GOD I HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY!!  
> I am so grateful for everyone here ,yet again I have to thank @fuckinqueen for being such an inspiration for me !! Love you lots!!!
> 
> Anyway I would love to keep writing for this pair, but I don't really have any particular idea ,so feel free to share your opinions and thoughts , I would absolutely love to even cowrite with someone!!! Don't hesitate to share your ideas!


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